Today has been one of those days where as they say in AA my head is out to get me. Writing that sounds like not taking responsibility for my own thinking and life – that is the way thoughts are running around today.
This morning I described it as existential angst. Wondering where I fit into the world, do I fit, what do I need to change – the non-stop pattern of thinking that I am somehow malfunctioning – that I am deficient in some way and that for me it will never get better.
This does not happen too often. Normally life is just fine, an edge of boredom, not enough excitement, a low level of low mood. I have struggled with the idea of not being good enough my whole life – when people and the refection of things outside of me tell a different story. I wonder if this is just part of being human, or if indeed being an alcoholic and growing up in an alcoholic home has somehow made me different.
Now there is a thing that has been with me through my life. I am different. But that is down to feelings. After being sober for a year I read a book about first year sobriety. I think it was good that I had been sober for a year before I read it, as I was able to then listen and identify and not rebel quite so much against the ideas contained within the book.
This book illustrated the common stages that most alcoholics getting sober in AA went through. And I could see while reading this that my uniqueness wasn’t so. In many ways I am much the same as other people. Other people, alcoholic or not, sometimes feel like their head is out to get them.
Running Away from the Situation
Most of my life I have run away from problems and situation that I could not deal with, or more likely, things I felt I could not deal with. When my head is mush like today, I revert to wishing I could run away. And sometime I do. But not physically. Sometime I comfort eat, less now. Sometime I watch TV, less now. Sometime I get lost in a book, still.
But I more look for solutions and help from people to pull me through days like today quicker than the past. One thing that often works is going for a run – which I will do after writing this. Another exercise I do is writing – like I am doing right now.
You Are Not Good Enough
And that is the thing that is going on today. I think it is related to a book that I am writing. I am at the half way point, and one more section takes me into the area where more is completed that not.
I had no idea that writing a book would be so hard when I started. I thought ‘clear some space and get on with it’. However it has brought up so many insecurities and feelings of self-loathing.
I hate this continual fight.
On days like today I find it almost impossible to see anything I have ever done as worthwhile. That is fecking crazy, really, who would think that way about another human being – while I pound myself with it.
How To Move On
Okay this is the challenge. What can I do?
Pray? Being an atheist really doesn’t help me with this one. However prayer still works for me when dealing with resentments.
Gratitude list? Appreciating what I have? Yes, often works.
Going for a run? Sometimes helps. (Will find out soon for toady)
Talking with someone? Even twelve years in and I find this difficult. Sometimes I would like to just talk; but just talk without being given advice or someone thinking because I open up it is time for them to jump in and tell me what I should be doing differently.
It will pass. This is perhaps the route I take more often. I just get on with the next thing in front of me – doing what I set out to do. And it does eventually pass.
However for some reason, today I am just tired of it all. I can understand how people, after being sober for a long time, drink again. Head relief.
I had a mantra a few years back, ‘pain reminds me I am alive’, however this nonsense gets old.